01July2013..... That is the day that my life changed.
Between 0900 and 1015, while sitting in the doctors office with my amazingly busy 3.5 year old, three words hit my heart like an A-Bomb. Autism Spectrum Disorder. Yeah...we have all heard them words before, but until they are given to you in a doctors office while you are holding your child, they don't hold much punch... yesterday... I got KNOCKED THE F@%K OUT by those 3 words. I thought I was prepared for it... I told myself it wasn't going to change anything no matter what. I lied to myself in the worst way.....
For over a year now, my husband and I have known something wasn't 'right' with our Little Dude. His speech was no longer progressing in a 'normal' way, he wasn't interacting with other children in a 'normal' way, his reaction to different situations was different than 'normal'. Nothing huge, just little things were a bit 'off'. No big deal, right...... he is so much like his Dad, and these are things that his Dad still does to this day.... We can explain this away easily. Our Little Dude is just an awesome kid, if he doesn't like to do this, that's fine with us, we will find something that he does like to do. He will start talking when he is ready and has something really important to say. Crowds bother both his parents, why wouldn't they bother him too.... ect.... Yeah, we have explained it away very well.... We knew we were fooling ourselves, and we told ourselves it didn't matter, he is our Little Dude and we ADORE who he is EXACTLY how he is.
So what brought us to this doctors office, you ask.... Well, the kid can't start school if he can't talk.... So yeah, we will go and get him into a bit of speech therapy, and he will be golden... No biggy.. He is smart and quick, this little issue will be worked out quick as can be, then we can go back to our 'normal'. First stop...His pediatrician... She asks a billion and one questions then hands me a bunch of paperwork to have him evaluated and sends us on our marry way.....
First evaluation: Shandy Clinic.. we walk in, things are nice, the evaluator plays with him, asks questions, then a week later we are told he has small motor skills delay... Wow...didn't even notice it much. Okay, no biggy right.... Occupational Therapy for 50 mins 3 times a week, we got this.... He has 3 different therapists, he loves all 3 of them, he is progressing quickly with his small motor skills, and hey, he is even picking up a lot more words... This is a good deal.....
Second evaluation: Doctors Medical Group..... we have to wait for MONTHS to actually be seen here.. And we aren't even 100% sure what kind of screening this is for... Behavioral is what we find out... They are going to screen him for ADHD, them kinds of things is what I am told when I call and ask.... Okay, no biggy. He is kinda crazy from time to time.... Nothing to worry about, right... this will get us one more step closer to getting him into the speech therapy that he needs.. That's the reason we started this whole thing, right?... Gotta jump through the hoops to get from point A to point B when dealing with insurance companies, right..... oh how we fool ourselves.. The Doctor and her assistant come into the room, sit on the floor and play with him, they take little notes on their little note pads, explain to us what each 'game' is supposed to show them, and we go on our marry way..
And now it is 01July2012....... The ASD bomb has been dropped. And I am swimming in the wreckage of emotion that I was TOTALLY unprepared for. Last week, the hubs and I talked, we both had suspicions, especially after having professionals point out things we didn't notice or just didn't think were big issues. We were mainly thinking Little Dudes biggest issue was something closer to Social Anxiety Disorder, it runs in the hubs family pretty strongly. It 'might' be Autism...but we doubt it... but even if it is, it's no big deal... He is super functional, except for his speech, and anything they tell us can be handled. Nothing they say can or will change anything...We got this.... Our family and friends have been asking about his progress for months now, we have used that word many times, as a small possibility, but it was no big deal... he is our Little Dude, everyone that knows him LOVES him.... he is a DAMN AWESOME FUN KID..... Oh how the mighty fall...
I only remember a few things the Doctor said after she way-laid me... Fully Functional.....therapy..... chromosomal testing... Pediatric Neurologist..... yeah.. they are still a blur...well more like a fog... I can see them, hear them, but I'm still not able to process them all just yet. I call the hubs, who couldn't get off work, tell him what was said...although I really can't remember much about that call except for the huge hole in my chest that continued to get bigger and bigger as each second passed. Make another call to his OT to let them know the diagnosis in case they have to change his program up before he goes in next. Then I am home....
I don't exactly know when the tears started to fall, I wasn't crying really, not what I would consider crying (yeah....I know how to cry when I need too.... that all out UGLY cry with the snot flying and everything), the tears were just falling... like someone had turned on a faucet and was just letting it run. They may have started on the drive over... I did notice the gate guard giving me a strange look when he checked my ID. I also remember Little Dude wiping my face when I was taking him out of his car seat. But he touches my face all the time, so who knows. The only thing I totally remember feeling is the need to have my husband by my side to catch me when I broke and the need to hear my little brothers voice to let me know that I will survive this aperture in my chest.
I am still alive here on D-Day +1... I haven't broke yet, but it is building. I got to talk to my brother, I would like to say that I felt better afterwards, but I don't want to lie to myself anymore. The phone calls will start today. gotta figure out which of these steps I have written on this paper is the first step.
My son has Autism...The long road starts today, but how do you start a long journey when you still have colossal hole in your chest.... one step at a time, that's how.... tears rolling and all... just one step at a time..... even if you have to crawl....
